I was really trying to think of a deep title.
I wrote and rewrote the title
probably five or six times.
But everything I wrote just felt a little too forced
or seemed sarcastic
or implied that the post itself
was going to be full of so many more epiphanies
than it actually will be.
And anyone who actually reads this blog
probably appreciates
(at least in part)
my sarcasm.
So that one’s for you, reader.
You’re welcome.
We hit our 6-month mark of living in South Korea tomorrow.
Getting here was a process that lasted for over a year.
And so I’ve been thinking a lot
about the last year (and some)
of our lives.
The past year+ has been one of the most
stressful
painful
faith-trying
incredible
years of my life.
One year ago, I was just over a month in
to what would end up being over 6 months
of solo-parenting.
And at the end of the solo parenting…
a move to a foreign country.
I do not recommend solo-parenting for months
and then immediately moving to Asia.
Just take my word for it.
It’s rough.
But I don’t see the past year as being a BAD year, per se.
Rather, it was just an UNCOMFORTABLE year.
It took my comfort zone,
lit it on fire,
danced around the flames,
and then peed on the ashes.
And so my word to describe the past year of my life
would be UNCOMFORTABLE.
And I’ve been thinking a lot about that.
About the role that discomfort plays in my life.
Because if I’m being completely candid,
I like feeling comfortable.
And I’m pretty sure most humans feel the same way.
Comfortable feels GOOD.
It feels SAFE.
It feels PREDICTABLE.
And who doesn’t love a little bit of that in their life!?
But you know what comfortable lacks?
It lacks excitement.
It lacks learning.
And it lacks GROWTH.
And you know what?
Sometimes I’m okay with that.
Sometimes I’m okay with feeling comfortable.
Sometimes I’m okay with existing
in my delusional fantasy-world
where nothing is wrong
and everything is wonderful
and it’s a giant echo-chamber of my own beliefs
and nothing is hard.
But every time I get lost in being comfortable
God has a way of shoving me
(albeit lovingly)
straight out of that comfort zone
and into the fires of
CHANGE
and
HARD
and
FORCED GROWTH.
It’s incredibly annoying
and also I’m grateful to believe in a God
who doesn’t want me to be comfortable all the time.
And of course I don’t always feel that way.
Sometimes I’d rather just be comfortable.
Sometimes I drop to my knees and ask,
“Does it REALLY have to be this hard!?”
But I can’t help but be grateful for the challenge
of being uncomfortable.
Because when I come out on the other side
of discomfort
(ya know, like after solo-parenting
and then moving to another country)
I’m USUALLY better off because of it.
Sure, sometimes it takes some work afterwards
to get myself back on track.
After our move to South Korea,
there was therapy needed
and medications to be adjusted
(shout out to my buddy Zoloft)
and then there was just some nasty
Culture Shock
that I THOUGHT I’d been prepared for
but 100% wasn’t.
But, because I have a
Loving Heavenly Father
(who, by the way, LOVES YOU TOO)
I was provided with the people that I needed
at exactly the time I needed them
and exactly the place I needed them
to help me through the discomfort of the past year.
When Brandon was gone
God provided me with the patience
the energy
the knowledge
on how to continue on.
There was so much of the moving process
that I had to do on my own.
Offices to visit,
appointments to go to,
phone calls to make…
And I knew how to do NONE of it.
But the Lord provided me with what I needed.
He didn’t take away the DISCOMFORT
but He gave me the capacity to deal with it.
And He inspired my friends
and my ward family
to step in and fill in the gaps.
I couldn’t do it all alone.
But God never asked me to do it alone.
He knew that I COULDN’T do it alone.
As we continued to get everything ready
for our move to South Korea,
I was insistent that I wanted to live ON POST.
Off post felt, well…
you guessed it, UNCOMFORTABLE.
But because housing on Camp Humphreys
was at over 95% capacity
and they wouldn’t have a 5-bedroom apartment
(or even a 4-bedroom apartment)
available for MONTHS after we’d get there,
we ended up off post.
And that felt scary.
But by what most would call
a complete coincidence
(but I call it nothing short of
DIVINE INTERVENTION)
we ended up finding a house
LITERALLY a two-minute walk
and a seven-minute drive from
two of my friends from when we lived in Washington.
And that was a game-changer for me.
Words cannot express the support I have felt
from these two amazing women.
So no, our move to South Korea was not
COMFORTABLE,
but God sent angels in the form of humans
to minister to me in my time of need.
So what has discomfort given me?
It’s given me the knowledge that
God is aware of me.
It’s shown me that
He cares about what is important to me.
It has given me solid proof that
God will send angels to help me.
And it has allowed me to find
a strength in myself that I didn’t know I had.
A strength that could only be accessed with the help
of the same God who loves me enough
to expose me to discomfort.
And so I’ll move forward
trying to embrace the uncomfortable
(notice how I say “trying”
because I 100% know I will fail at times)
and looking for the blessings along the way.
’til next time…
Ash