Stop telling moms they are “gonna miss this”

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Young moms know that they are going to miss having little kids.

We know it. We know it because even though the newborn stage is hard, we miss it. We know that someday when we are no longer wiping butts and cleaning up after tiny humans and our house is immaculate, that we are going to romanticize those early years. We know that we will remember the good times, and forget (or at least gloss over) the hard and the sucky.

We will remember the tiny arms wrapped around our necks, the sweet smell of a newborn baby, and laughing so hard at our toddler’s crazy antics that we can’t breathe. And absolutely, we will miss it.

Stop telling moms that they “will miss this”

But just because we know that we’ll miss this phase, that doesn’t mean that we need you to remind us all the time. I daresay that the very LAST thing we need from ANYONE during this phase of life is a reminder that someday we are going to miss it.

Because right now it’s hard. When we are in the thick of mothering – when every day is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting and we have no time to ourselves – it’s freaking hard. It’s way harder than any of us could have ever imagined. And it becomes difficult NOT to dream of better days ahead. Sometimes the only way to make it through the day is to remind myself that there ARE better days coming.

You might think me ignorant – and I’m not saying that I’m not. I haven’t experienced parenting without small children yet. And so I’m not suggesting that the phase of life that I’m in right now (and that SO MANY MOMS are in right now) is harder than the other phases.

But what I am saying is that this phase is hard. Not relatively hard. Just hard.

And you know what makes it feel harder 100% of the time? When someone reminds you just how much you’re going to miss it someday.

What not to say to a mom of young kids

I can think of dozens of times when someone has told me that I would miss this phase. It came in a variety of different ways:

“I remember having little kids – I didn’t realize how good I had it!”

“Treasure this time and enjoy every second!”

“They are only little once – enjoy it while you can!”

“Just wait until they are teenagers – you’ll wish they were little again.”

I remember one day at church after having my third baby. I was suffering with severe postpartum depression and honestly, I was drowning. An elderly woman came up to me, put her hand on my shoulder and said, “These are the best years of your life!”

The BEST? I thought. It only gets worse from here?

You want to know how many times these comments have been helpful, uplifting, or have made me fully embrace the mess of motherhood? Zero. Zero times. They have been helpful EXACTLY zero times.

If I was a fully emotionally mature human being, then these comments wouldn’t bother me. I would hear these comments, know the people behind them are well-meaning, and then move on with my life. And honestly, sometimes that’s what I do. But sometimes, I hear someone make these comments to someone else. Sometimes I talk to a mom who felt totally invalidated by these comments. Sometimes I meet moms who felt just as hopeless as I did all those years ago when that sweet, well-meaning lady told me that these were the “best years of my life.”

And sometimes I choose to be annoyed when people make these comments to me. It’s not a great choice, but momming is so mentally and emotionally exhausting that I often don’t have the brain-energy to do anything BESIDES feel annoyed. Because feeling annoyed is easy. I could go on and on about WHY it’s so easy to feel annoyed, but that’s a topic for another day (and maybe a topic for when I’m an actual therapist, and not just a person-who-is-in-therapy).

But regardless of how I respond to the comments, it remains true that the comments never felt encouraging and helpful. They never caused me to stop and think, “You know what – you’re right! I AM going to miss all of this. I’m going to fully appreciate everything right now and never ever wish that I was in a different phase!” Never. Not even once.

The thoughts that did come from the comments were much more damaging. In the therapy world, they call it “shoulding yourself” which is both hilarious and accurate. And so the comment “You’re going to miss this” – in all of its forms – often spawned the thought, “This is really hard – but I SHOULDN’T feel that way. I SHOULD be thankful for my kids. I’m going to miss it someday, so I SHOULD appreciate every moment of them being little.”

But I’m not always grateful. I don’t always appreciate every moment. Because I’m human. I’m a very exhausted human. And so when I don’t feel those things that I know I “SHOULD” feel, then I feel guilty. Because I’ve been given these tiny humans who I adore and who [usually] adore me. What greater gift is there? This “shouldn’t” be HARD. Because these are the BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE, FOR PETE’S SAKE!

The real irony in all of this is that I don’t actually need someone to tell me that I’ll miss these years for me to have all the emotions. I’ll do that myself, thank you very much. Maybe it’s because the whole idea of the “good ol’ days” is so engrained in us from the time we are born. Or maybe it’s just because moms are under so much pressure to be MORE than they are. But I already feel like I “SHOULD” appreciate my kids during this phase more than I do. I already know that I’ll miss this phase someday when it’s over.

So please, for the LOVE of all that is holy, don’t give me that reminder to be grateful and to appreciate my kids, and that I’ll miss all of the chaos one day. I know all of that, and I’m doing the very best I can.

What to say to moms of young children

Instead of reminding moms that they’ll miss having young kids, what if you offered empathy and encouragement? What if you saw her struggling with her beautiful children – you remember what that was like and you look back at it with fondness, but you also remember that it was hard. What if instead of telling her that these are the best years of her life, you let her know that she’s amazing. And that the phase she is in is so exhausting. And letting her know that, in so many ways, there ARE better days ahead. Because there are ALWAYS better days ahead.

What if you wrapped her in your arms and told her how much you love her and how much you admire her? What if you offered to help with her children? What if you shared a story from your own life when your toddler made you want to pull your hair out?

I gotchu, Boo

I have been blessed to be surrounded by MANY women who lift and support me in my motherhood journey. Some of these women have said things along the lines of “you’re going to miss this” to me at one time or another. Because I think something like that escapes all of our lips at times. But the majority of these women have been right there when I’m in the thick of it – to encourage me and love me and commiserate with me. And most importantly, to VALIDATE the struggles I’m feeling.

Because parenting is hard. Momming is hard. It wasn’t SUPPOSED to be easy.

And so, if you ever need a listening ear, shoot me a message. If you ever need someone to say, “Your toddler did WHAT!? No way – that must have been so frustrating!” – I’m your girl. And if you want to dream of days when there will be no more dirty diapers, no more screaming babies, no more random puddles around the house that your toddler feels are necessary to the structural integrity of your home… give me a call. Because, girl, I’m 100% there with you.

We will miss these days when our kids are grown. We will miss all of the funny things our kids did and how sweet and adorable they are. Heck, we might even miss the tantrums and the fighting and the messy house. AND also it’s insanely, insanely hard. We remind ourselves daily that we’re going to miss this. So please, whenever possible, refrain from reminding us yourself.

Happy Mother’s Day.

’til next time…

Ash